I’m a recovering people-pleaser.

I say “recovering” because like any intense inner need … there is always a danger of relapse.

On the surface, people-pleasing looks like a good thing. Almost Biblical.

Didn’t Jesus say, doing for others was like doing for Him?

The King will answer, “I tell you the truth, anything you did for even the least of my people here, you also did for me.”

Matthew 25:40 (NCV)

But I believe we need to stop for a minute and look more closely, because…

There is a huge difference and a big problem for those of us who are people-pleasers and that’s motivation. You see…

Doing for others the way Jesus intended is based on love.

Doing for others for the people pleaser is based on fear.

“Typically, the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure.”

Dr. Sherry Pagoto, for Psychology Today

When I first read that, I thought, “Yep! That pretty much describes me.”

In fact, I found it helpful to understand my people-pleasing problem like I’m analyzing an equation that goes like this…

The more I love someone plus the more difficult it is to make them happy multiplied by my fear of rejection equaled doing whatever it took to please them.

Big Love + Lack of approval x Fear of rejection = whatever it takes people-pleasing.

And I could juggle it all well, at least I thought I could, as long as there were no conflicting requests, needs, or ____________.

But when two or more people I loved had conflicting requests or needs, when their wants pulled me in different directions, when I couldn’t make everyone happy and I had to choose . . . my anxiety levels soared and I’d freeze.

Fear of rejection is a powerful motivator.

The problem is … I almost always chose to please the person I believed would leave me at the expense of the person whose love felt safe and sure.

I believe that’s pretty normal.

People pleasers work hardest on the relationships they feel are the most fragile even if it means disappointing the people who love them unconditionally.

It’s one of the reasons why little children act out more in front of their mothers and why teens go along with peer pressure. They know it will upset mom and dad but they count on their unconditional love.

But remember … I wrote at the beginning that I’m in recovery.

Want to know how I got there?

I was rejected. Huge painful rejections!

People I loved big and had desperately tried to please for years … walked out of my life!

And by God’s grace, it was my wake-up call.

It was time to address the root of my people-pleasing problem.

I went to a Christian counselor.

And I went to God … grabbing His truth like a life-line and holding on to promises like:

Where God’s love is, there is no fear, because God’s perfect love drives out fear.

1 John 4:18 (NCV)

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people.

Psalm 118:6,8

And through God’s Word, I realized I had been wanting people to fill a void that only God could fill with His perfect unconditional unchanging love.

Praise God, by God’s grace, I am blessed with a few people who have loved me unconditionally. People who have shown me, consistent love, countless times.

So, if you find yourself struggling to be free of the fear that results in the need to please people and you’re ready to join me in recovery, here are…

10 Steps to Recovery for the People Pleaser

1. Remember – You are valued and loved by God.

Say it often. Make it the constant message of your voice…

May you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. 

Ephesians 3:18

The Life Application Notes say it this way…

God’s love is total. It reaches every corner of our experiences. It is wide—it covers the breadth of our own experience, and it reaches out to the whole world. God’s love is long—it continues the length of our lives. It is high—it rises to the heights of our celebration and elation. His love is deep—it reaches to the depths of discouragement, despair, and even death … you can never be lost to God’s love.

2. Remember – No matter how hard you try you can’t please everyone.

It is not our job to please people; it’s our job to love them … and sometimes love has to say “no.”

“You can please some of the people all of the time; all of the people some of the time and some of the people NONE of the time, and these are the people you PRAY for ALL of the time.”

Margareat McBride

3. Pray – Ask God to give you godly wisdom in your relationships.

God knows and loves all the people in your life. If you need help understanding them … ask Him to guide you, give you wisdom, and go with you as you interact with them.

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

James 1:5

4. Remember – “No” is an acceptable answer and doesn’t require an explanation.

This one is hard for the people pleaser but it is so important. Ask God to show you when you should say “no” and to give you His strength to follow through.

Be prepared with a simple … “Thank you for asking, but I’m not able to do that at this time.”

Learn to say ‘no‘ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.

John Maxwell

5. Know what’s important to you so you can say yes to the best.

Make a list based on your God-given gifts and abilities … on your priorities and values, not out of fear. Then give yourself the freedom to set goals, plan your schedule with prayer, and move forward in faith and freedom.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:2

6. Reject fear with God’s help.

I believe God’s wants us to live in the freedom that only His true love given to us in and through Christ Jesus has given us. Freedom that helps us love others with His guidance, strength, and help.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.
    He freed me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:4

7. Reject guilt with God’s complete forgiveness.

Let go of the past … you can’t change it! Ask for forgiveness where you need it and forgive those who have hurt you. Trust God to help you move ahead in faith with hope and help.

Never forget the three resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness.

H. Jackson Brown Jr.

8. Pray and ask God for courage, strength, and guidance.

Old habits die hard. It’s why I call it being in “recovery.”

It’s especially hard when people have perfected the skill of manipulating you to get you to please them. But God is in the business of changing lives and with His help … you can have the strength you need to live for His glory, not for people-pleasing.

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit.

Ephesians 3:16

9. Live each day for God’s glory. He loves you best!

Surrender your life to the One who sacrificed everything to show you and me how very much He loves us. the One who promises to never leave you nor forsake you. Jesus – the One who will never reject you.

Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
    but to Your name goes all the glory
    for Your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Psalm 115:1

10. Like all recovery . . . get up and do it again tomorrow.

I still don’t do this perfectly. I am definitely a work in progress who is abundantly grateful for God’s patience, love, and faithfulness. We can trust Him to give us what we need to live for Him … free of fear and the need to please people.

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.”

St. Francis DeSales

With God’s help, I promise we can do this.

We can love well. We can recover from the fear that manipulates and controls us.

And … we can love people well … with the love of Christ Jesus. We have His Spirit to help us!

Thank you so much for joining me today.
And a thank you to BibleGateway.com for sources.

It would bless me so much if you’d take a moment to subscribe to Counting My Blessings so you never miss an update!

And always remember – I LOVE hearing from you! So, please take a minute to say ‘hi’ by leaving a comment. 

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Send it to a friend, family member, coworker, or share it through the links below…

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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been confused by life…

Well, you know the saying!

And I’m sure you know the feeling too!

Those times when you don’t understand God’s plan. When you’ve prayed and prayed and waited and waited and nothing changes.

It’s hard to understand…

• Infertility
• Infidelity
• Rejection
• Terrorism
• Hatred
• Sex Trafficking
• Illness
• Disabilities

And the list goes on and on.

You and I live in a sinful world and sometimes the consequences of that truth feel overwhelming and confusing.

It’s easy to see why it can feel like our prayers are bouncing off the ceiling or that God just isn’t listening.

Yet, there is a greater truth! God is on the throne no matter how we feel.

The other day, I was reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and a section really hit my heart.

Self-awareness continually produces a sesnse of struggling and turmoil in our lives … it is rectified only by coming to Jesus Christ. If we will come to Him asking Him to produce Christ-awareness in us, He will always do it until we fully learn to abide in Him.

Jesus told us how to abide in Him.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens…”

Matthew 11:28

Why? Because He…

“… will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28

So, that’s what we’re doing today. We’re taking our confusion and disappointments to the One who has promised to help us carry them. The One who wants us to be so very aware of His presence that we can rest knowing whatever our burden … He will help us carry it.

5 Verses to Pray When You are Confused by Life

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8–9

Father, please forgive me. I’ve been intent on my own plans … thinking I know what’s best for everyone around me, believing my desires are the way things should be. I know now that I’m only seeing a very small part of a much larger picture. A picture You see in perfect technicolor.

Please help me trust Your plans for me. Help me trust and obey You today and again tomorrow. And Father, please give me eyes to see the ways You are working in my life. Make me less self-aware and more Jesus-aware. By Your grace and for Your glory.

I will bless the Lord who guides me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the Lord is always with me.
    I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me.

Psalm 16:7–8

Father, when I’m lying awake staring at the ceiling, feeling alone and confused … please help me remember that I’m not alone. Jesus promised to “be with [me] always.” (Matthew 28) He promised the presence of “the Spirit of truth” to guide me in Your truth. (John 16)

Please help me rest in Your truth and trust every promise … promises that have always proven true.

When I don’t understand and I’m confused by life … I will praise You for the countless ways You have guided me in the past and remember that whatever is happening in and around me, I can always find strength and peace in Your presence.

Have you never heard?
    Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
    No one can measure the depths
of His understanding.
He gives power to the weak
    and strength to the powerless.

Isaiah 40:28–29

Father, forgive me. When I don’t understand … when disappointments and problems overwhelm me I can make You too small and fail to remember that You are everlasting God, Creator, Redeemer, who never tires.

You are the One who gives me strength when I am weak and peace when I am confused and upset. You see and understand the whole of my life from beginning through forever. Please help me run to You when my heart is overwhelmed. Help me trust Your plans and purposes. Help me follow where You lead. Help me, Father. In Jesus name.

He heals the brokenhearted
    and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
    and calls them all by name.
How great is our Lord! His power is absolute!
    His understanding is beyond comprehension!

Psalm 147:3–5

Father, You have held my tears when my heart is broken. You have healed my wounds and allowed me to share the victorious stories of my scars. Your tenderness and love are evident in everything You do.

You are the King of kings, Lord of lords, the Lion of Judah, the Great I AM! You are all-knowing, all-powerful, and always present. You are my strength. You lift my head when I am discouraged and give me hope when the wait seems long. You are the answer to my prayers, my Lord, my God, my Redeemer, and my all!

Remember the things I have done in the past.
    For I alone am God!
    I am God, and there is none like me.
Only I can tell you the future
    before it even happens.
Everything I plan will come to pass,
    for I do whatever I wish.

Isaiah 46:9–10

Father, You are God! Nothing I desire compares with You. When I remember all You have done and continue to do for me, I am humbled and filled with gratitude. Your grace, mercy, and love cover me. You give me hope for the future and I know I can trust Your plans for me. Whatever You allow in my life, I believe You will give me the strength and courage I need. You are Lord of my life … I will trust in You. Amen.

Friend, when you and I are confused by life, we can trust the One who is never confused. We can rely on the truth that He is in control. He is holding us close. And we can run to Him with our confusion and trust Him to guide us through our challenges and struggles.

We can proclaim with Paul…

Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways!

For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.

Romans 11:33 & 36

This Week’s Friday Favorites

Highlight Posts of the Week!

The God of the Whisper

by and @ Brooke Grangard

3 Fronts In Marriage To Always Be United On

by Angie
@ Keeping the Tie that Binds

AND the…

Faith ‘n Friends Link Party

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I’m so glad you’re here!

This is a place to share faith, make friends, and have fun.

I’d love to connect with you on social media!

Deb Wolf
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I would really appreciate it if you would
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Thank you so much for partying with us!
May your week be blessed with faith, love, and friendship! 

Don’t forget to leave your prayer requests…

and pray over the list left by our friends.

I always enjoy hearing from you! Please take a minute to say ‘hi’ and share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Thank you and God bless!

I don’t know what it’s like at your house but it doesn’t seem like it’s getting any easier for families to slow down long enough to connect over meaningful conversations.

Even for those of us who try to organize our schedules so we can sit down together over dinner … countless people tell me how hard it is to get every member of the family to put down their devices for 20 or 30 minutes, look each other in the eye, and talk.

I get it!

We all love our online connections with our friends and acquaintances but it’s important that we don’t allow those surface attachments to keep us from having the close life-long family relationships we want.

At a Bible Study years ago…

I learned 3 simple questions that have blessed my conversations with my family and even with close friends.

I even have a group of blogging friends who share their answers to these questions in a small FB group each week.

You can ask and answer these questions every night or stick to once a week … whatever works best for your family. I’m simply encouraging you to try them … because I believe they will bless your family by not only helping you grow closer to one another but by helping you talk about and grow your faith in Jesus.

So, grab a basket and tell everyone to stash their phones for a bit, so you can ask…

3 Simple Questions that will Bless Your Family

Question #1

What brought you joy today/this week?

Go around the table and ask each person to share something that made them happy, something fun, or something that blessed them. Something that made them thankful!

It can be as big or as small as…

• Laughing with a friend
• Encouragement from a teacher or boss
• A good grade
• A completed project
• A clean house or bedroom
• A delicious meal
• Doing something kind for someone else
• Meeting a new friend
• Finding time to rest
• Making the team
• Getting into the choir
• Getting a part in the play
• Playing with a puppy
• Making someone else happy
• Knowing you are loved

Whatever it is … celebrate with each other and praise God for every blessing!

“When large numbers of people share their joy in common, the happiness of each is greater because each adds fuel to the other’s flame.” ~Augustine

Be happy with those who are happy, and be sad with those who are sad.

Romans 12:15

Question #2

What was today’s/this week’s junk?

Now go around the table and give each person the opportunity to talk about the hard parts of the day.

Ask…

• Where are you struggling?
• What are you worried about?
• What frightened you?
• What happened that hurt your feelings?
• What is causing you pain?
• What upset you?

This is not a time to criticize or try to fix problems; it’s just an opportunity to listen with love and compassion. Make it a safe time for both parents and adults to talk about the hard parts of life. The less you talk or offer solutions the more your family will be willing to share their junk next time.

If there is some advice you’d like to give or you believe more conversation is needed … consider talking about it privately a little later.

All of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

1 Peter 3:8

“Many people involved in the mental health professions are beginning to understand that compassion can play a role in helping us to work with difficult emotions.” 

Russell Kolts

Encouraging and demonstrating compassion at home … can help our children learn ways to be compassionate away from home as well.

“Creating uplifting environment for others through the words we use and showing compassion goes outside of the home as well.” 

Chris Johnston

Question #3

3. Where did you see Jesus at work today/this week?

Go around the table one more time and have each person share…

• Where did you see Jesus’ love for you or a friend?
• Where did you His see grace or mercy?
• Where did you notice the beauty of His creation?
• Where did He help you?
• What did you learn in the Bible or a Bible Study?
• How did He calm your fears?
• How did He help you to be strong?
• How did He help you obey Him?
• How did He answer your prayers?

This one may be harder at first but the more your family starts looking for ways the Lord is working around them the easier it will become.

The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.

Psalm 69:32

Whatever action is good in this life, whatever idea is good and true, whatever thing you see or hear or taste or touch, God’s creation — all of it — is designed by God as a sign and a foretaste of what it’s like to enjoy God Himself.

John Piper

♥ Pray and Bless Your Family

One of the things I love about sharing our Joy, Junk, and Jesus is the way it helps us pray for each other.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16–18

I love being able to pray together praising and thanking God for the joys my family has experienced.

It’s also a privilege for us to be able to stand together as a family and pray for our challenges … for the “junk” in our lives.

And end our prayers with surrendered hearts praising God for the ways He allowed us to see Him at work in, around and through us that day/week!

So grab a journal…

Because this is also a wonderful opportunity for your family to keep a record of the ways God is working in and through your family. Start with praise, list the junk as prayer requests, and document how and when God answers those prayers.

And finally…

I love asking these questions in my small groups or just talking with a friend, too. They’re always a wonderful way to get to know and love each other better.

So, why not try it tonight – ask these 3 simple questions:

What brought you joy?
What felt like junk?
Where did you see Jesus at work?

Bless your family with intentional conversations that invite connection, caring, and compassion.

Thank you so much for joining me today.
And a thank you to BibleGateway.com for sources.

It would bless me so much if you’d take a moment to subscribe to Counting My Blessings so you never miss an update!

And always remember – I LOVE hearing from you! So, please take a minute to say ‘hi’ by leaving a comment. 

You can also…

Leave your prayer requests…

and stop to pray one or two of the requests listed.

If this article blessed or helped you today — would you share it with someone?

Send it to a friend, family member, coworker, or share it through the links below…

I’m asking God to bless you today!