Why People-Pleasers Need Extra Patience

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People-pleasers need extra patience because they are trying to do the impossible. It's stressful and exhausting trying to keep everyone happy.

People-pleasers need extra patience
because they are trying to do the impossible.

Seriously, have you ever been able to keep everyone happy . . . no matter how hard you tried?

No? Me either!

However, in my decades-long failed attempt at other people’s happiness, I’ve learned two important things:

  1. People-pleasers need to be more patient.
  2. People-pleasers need people to be patient with them.

Why?

I need to be patient because:

It’s easy to get frustrated with someone who isn’t responding to my efforts to make them happy.

But people choose their own happiness. Often, their unhappiness doesn’t have anything to do with me. And the truth is . . . their happiness is not my job!

I’ve had to learn to be patient with other’s choices, love them well and be patient with myself when I slip back into pleasing them out of fear, not  love.

I need their patience because:

I’m trying. I’m really trying to do the best I can. It’s exhausting trying to juggle everyone’s moods, whims, desires, and needs. Whew!

When I’m tired and know my efforts are not measuring up I don’t handle things as well as I’d like. I need the people to be patient with me on the days I’m discouraged and frustrated.

Everyone needs patience. People-pleasers and non-people-pleasers.

By God’s grace, I’m able to describe myself as a recovering people-pleaser. I’ve learned that love is a better motivator than fear. I know it’s easy to muddy the two, but with God’s help, I believe it’s possible to be free of fear and simply love.

Because God loves us and pours more than enough love into our lives for it to overflow onto others.

God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:5

AND

Because perfect love casts out fear.

Where God’s love is, there is no fear, because God’s perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18

I’d love to tell you more…

lets talk relationships FB

My friend, Alison, at Life of Scoop, is doing a series on relationships. I’m thrilled she invited me join this wonderful group and share my recovery and the joy of freedom I’ve found.

If you’re a people-pleaser ready for something better or you know someone who would be blessed by the freedom of living without fear of people’s displeasure . . . keep reading.

12 Ways to be Free of the Need to People-Please

Why People-Pleasers Need Extra Patience and 12 Ways to be Free of the Need to People Please

I’m a recovering people-pleaser.

I say “recovering” because like any intense inner need there is always a danger of relapse.

On the surface people-pleasing looks like a good thing . . . almost Biblical.

Didn’t Jesus say, doing for others was like doing for Him? (Matthew 25:40)

There’s a problem for those of us who people please… A big problem.

Our intense need to please is based on fear.

Dr. Sherry Pagoto wrote the following for Psychology Today, “Typically, the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure.”

Yep! That was me.

I feared rejection. So, I pleased.

It was like a math problem.

The more I loved someone, the harder they were to please (insert fear of rejection) the more I’d try to do whatever it took to please them.

Big Love + Big Fear = Big Pleasing.

And I could juggle it all pretty well most of the time. But when two or more people I loved had conflicting requests or needs, when their wants pulled me in different directions, when I had to choose . . . that’s when my anxiety levels would soar and I’d freeze.

Because fear of rejection is a great motivator.

 

To read the rest and learn my 12 ways to free click here.

Thanks Alison! It’s a blessing to be part of this project!

Now it’s time for…

Faith ‘n Friends Blog Hop

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I’m so glad you’re here!

This is a place to share faith, make friends, and have fun.

I’d love to connect with you on social media!

Deb Wolf
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** If you are interested in hosting Faith ‘n Friends Blog Hop
with me, email me at – deb@debwolf.com

Feature Post

I’m excited to share the following posts with you this week.

Forgetting to be Afraid

by Mary Flaherty
@Sonrise Insights

IMG_20160613_201235

and

Dear You

by Lux G.
@ About Life and Love

Dear You, (1)

Thank you, Mary and Lux, for joining the Blog Hop!

No More Rules Blog Hop

Add 1-2 of your favorite faith/life posts.
Then just make friends and have fun.

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17 thoughts on “Why People-Pleasers Need Extra Patience

  1. As a fellow people pleaser, also in recover, I really appreciate this post. Wishing you a happy Friday, and thanks for hosting another great link-up!

    1. There are a lot of recoverers! We should have a support group! Thanks so much for joining the blog hop, Jeb. Have a wonderful weekend!

  2. I am a recovering people-pleaser too. For me it’s about fear of them not liking me – whether they think i’m too mean, too quiet, too loud, too selfish. So i’m spent years bending over backwards to “please” them. But turns out, people also desire honesty and being true to your word – two things I wasn’t always being when I was too busy pleasing. Great read!

    1. I can so relate, Sarah Jean! The funny thing is all of that bending over backward doesn’t always influence how much people will like us and it often ends up with us being used and manipulated. Ugh! Just being ourselves, and you’re right, honest and true, leaves us with better and stronger relationships. AND a much healthier self. Thanks so much for joining the hop and for adding your thoughts. I really appreciate it!

    1. It certainly is, Melanie! I can fall into relapses without even realizing it. My prayer is that I just wake up and grab hold of freedom as quickly as possible. Blessings!

  3. Deb- such a great post – from one recovering people – pleaser to another – #’s 2, 4 and 8 are biggies – the ones that were the last and hardest for me to learn, but I am doing it !

    1. Yay for you, Debbie! Those have been the hardest ones for me too. I still slip up occasionally, but my goal is to stay focused on pleasing the Lord and remembering that loving others doesn’t always mean I have to please them. Thanks and blessings to you!!

  4. Extending the patience that we have received from God (and that we continue to receive) is a work of the Spirit in our hearts. I love the hope you offer to us pleasers!

    1. Amen, Michele! I can’t do any of this without the Holy Spirit’s help. I’m so thankful for the hope He gives. Blessings my friend!

  5. Oh yea this is a good one. A great reminder to abide in the acceptance of our Heavenly Father. I know for me I can slip into the desire to please others in response to the fear of rejection. In all reality rejection is a lie. Its not even real for those who believe. We are accepted in the beloved. What can man take away that God has given!? 🙂

  6. For me all things are better when I keep my relationship with God in mind. Remember who He is and who I am in His eyes can help me have patience, let go of my need to please. As I know Jesus more I realize how little I have to do. He loves me no matter what and that is what is important. Thanks for sharing on Let’s Get Real Friday Link Party.

  7. I love that you are a recovering people pleaser. I’m a recovering perfectionist. Welcome! I also love that you said that the happiness of others is not our responsibility. Oh, that took me years to learn–to learn to detach with love. Great post, Deb. And thank you so much for featuring my post! What a surprise to see.

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