Things to Avoid When You Want a Strong Marriage

3 / 9 / 2010 / 22 / 20

We get asked often to share our best marriage advice ... so, here are 2 things to do and 10 things to avoid if you really want a build a strong marriage. #StrongMarriage #MarriageAdvice #MarriageTips #ChristianMarriage #WWGGG #CountingMyBlessings

I believe every couple believes their wedding day is just the first day of decades of marital bliss. They’ve found their soulmate … the person who “completes” them and they just know this is the start of their happily ever after.

Then the honeymoon ends and reality hits.

Paul wrote the following about marriage…

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT)

Since “submit” is such a trigger word, I like the New Life Version best…

Be willing to help and care for each other because of Christ. By doing this, you honor Christ.

And we want to, don’t we?
We go into marriage believing we will help and care for each other.

But then life happens and building a strong marriage is harder than we thought it would be.

Rev and I will be celebrating our anniversary in a couple of days and even after all these years, he continues to be my favorite person in the whole world.

We get asked often to share our marriage advice because … well, we’ve been happily together for a long time!

So, I’ve come up with a really short list for those times when I’m sitting with a friend or acquaintance and they’re looking for one or two things we’ve done that have blessed our relationship.

2 of My Favorite Tips for a Strong Marriage

1. Never Stop Flirting

Not with other people. Never with other people! Just with each other. Remember all those playful little things you said and did while you were dating to get each other’s attention and keep things fun.

Don’t stop! Flirting says, “You’re still the one for me! I choose you!”

2. Stay Close to God as a Couple and Individually

Flirting may be my favorite advice but I believe the true secret that will help your marriage last is to SEEK God First together and individually.

We all need God’s help to remind us when we forget – how to listen, how to serve, how to work together, how to be patient and kind, how to forgive, how to keep a promise … how to love like Jesus.

Read the Bible
Pray
Count your blessings
Remember what God has done in the past
Worship
Do your best to apply God’s Word and forgive each other quickly when you fall short.

If you’d like my longer answer to the best marriage advice question, you check out some of my thoughts and I even asked some friends for their thoughts as well. Check them out here…

The Best Secrets and Advice that Will Help Your Marriage Last

12 Helpful Posts that will Make Your Marriage Stronger

10 Terrific Tips for a Lasting and Happy Marriage

How to Bless Your Marriage by Being Grateful

31+ “What If” Questions that will Bless Your Marriage

And if you’re looking for ways to pray for your marriage, you can get ideas here…

7 Verses and Prayers that will Bless Your Marriage

5 Simple Prayers that will Bless Your Marriage

As you can see, I love to write about the things I believe we can do to bless our marriages and make them better. I always prefer to approach life from the positive … from a “get to” perspective.

But a number of years ago, Rev and I also made a list of things to avoid in your relationships if you want a strong marriage that lasts. So, as promised…

Things to Avoid When You Want a Strong Marriage

1. Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking.

Sure you think you know them better than anyone but even as close as you are … you each look at life through the lens of your own personal perspective. A perspective that comes from your personality, abilities, background, and years of experience.

So … ask questions and LISTEN patiently and kindly to the answers. You might be surprised and learn something you never knew before.

2. Don’t withdraw with a passive/aggressive silent treatment.

If you need to take a break in the midst of a disagreement … say so. It’s okay to pause to pray and think but make it clear that this disagreement doesn’t define your relationship.

Shutting down gives the message that winning the argument is more important to you than nurturing and improving your closeness.

3. NEVER use the words never or always in an argument.

It’s probably not true anyway. Even if your spouse does something way more often than you’d like … making it sound like that’s all they do is distracting and defeating if you’re trying to resolve a problem.

4. Don’t hold a grudge or rehash the past.

When couples continually bring up past hurts it can seem like that’s all they remember. So, work to forgive each other quickly, let go of the hurt, and stick to the issue at hand when you don’t agree.

5. Don’t pout, whine, nag or fight with sarcasm.

Use your words! It’s almost impossible to understand each other if we don’t calmly and clearly explain where we’re coming from. Pouting, whining, and nagging are completely self-defeating. And sarcasm … well, when was the last time you wanted to do anything for someone who tried to manipulate you with snarky comments.

6. Don’t accumulate small problems and turn them into a big one.

When Rev and I were first married, I’d hold on to the little things he said that hurt my feelings … one would add to another and then another until I’d finally erupt in a meltdown of tears and accusations.

My patient husband would then say, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings. If you tell me I’ve done right away … I will do my best not to do it again. I love you.”

His reaction gave me the courage to trust him and not turn little off-handed comments into bigger problems.

7. Don’t complain about your spouse to others.

It may make you feel better for a moment or two when your friends agree with you about what a jerk your spouse has been but it will always hurt your relationship in the long run because…

You can’t control what your friends will share and how far your “story” will go.
You are damaging your spouse’s reputation and how other’s view him/her.
You are weakening the trust you ultimately want to maintain.

8. Don’t blame your partner for your “bad” day.

Life is stressful. Jobs are demanding. Children are exhausting. And that’s just normal everyday stuff.

It’s fine to vent and even complain to each other … just don’t communicate that your bad day was your spouse’s fault. Strive to work together to strengthen your family and achieve your goals.

9. Don’t try to “fix” your spouse.

I learned a very long time ago that you can’t change someone else; you can only change yourself.

So, I try to ask myself if I might be the one who needs “fixing”!

Then I pray, and I turn to God’s Word, and I ask Him to give me wisdom … so I can choose to focus on the things that are true, honorable, and lovely while I leave the rest to God.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Philippians 4:6–8

10. Don’t expect perfection.

Your spouse is not going to be perfect this side of heaven and you’re not going to be either. Don’t expect it! Give the grace you want to receive.

You’re a team … not a perfect team but a team who’s goal is to grow in love, faith, grace, and wisdom.

Finally, after all those don’ts I have one last do…

Love one another.

Show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

And the kind of love God wants for us looks like this…

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4–7

I’ve read recently that before you marry someone you should replace the word “love” with the person’s name. And it’s a good guideline.

But once we are married, I believe the best thing we can do is replace the word “love” with our own name. Because if we wait to give “1 Corinthians 13” love until our husband or wife gives it first … we will never have it.

So remember, don’t expect perfection … give the kind of grace you want to receive. Stay close to God as a couple and individually. AND do your best to add a little laughter and fun to every day.

I’m asking God to bless you and give you a strong marriage today and for years to come!

Thank you so much for joining me today.

And a thank you to BibleGateway.com for sources.

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How to Bless Your Marriage by Being Grateful

11 / 12 / 1810 / 22 / 20

It’s a little thing really.

Every evening, I set up our coffee maker so its ready to brew our favorite blend the following morning. Today’s filter goes in the trash, the glass carafe’ is filled and poured into the water reservoir, and four tablespoons of coffee beans are ground…

And that’s when it happens.

From wherever he is in the house, as those blades whirl and turn beans into powder, Rev yells … “THANK YOU!!!!”

I can’t tell you when he started because that “THANK YOU” has been echoing through the hallways of our homes for years and it’s just one of the small intentional ways gratitude blesses our marriage.

Rev and I have the same Love Language.

We both crave Words of Affirmation, so it only makes sense that we believe it’s important to say “thank you” and say it often.

That’s why I’d like to share some of our favorites … but if your Love Language is Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, or Physical Touch, don’t leave because I’m going to share a few tips for simple ways you can show gratitude in those love languages and bless your marriage, too!

8 Simple Ways to say “Thank You” that will Bless Your Marriage

♥ Thank God for your spouse.

It’s easy to shoot up prayers asking God to help, bless, and sometimes even change our spouses … but stopping just to say “thank you” for your spouse is the perfect way to say “I love you!”

I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly. Ephesians 1:16

♥ Say “thank you” always – even for the little things.

Even if it’s simply making a pot of coffee, taking out the trash, or making the bed … “thank you” says, “I appreciate you and all you do for us!”

“A grateful heart is one that finds the countless blessings of God in the seemingly mundane everyday life.” ~ Anonymous

♥ Have an intentional 10-minute conversation every day.

This can be hard with busy schedules and children vying for attention but taking a few minutes to connect every day is important. So, put down your phones, look into each other’s eyes, talk about life and mean it!

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.” ~ Roy T. Bennet

♥ Ignore small annoyances and thank your spouse for ignoring yours.

It’s easier to overlook the things that get on my nerves when I remember just how many of my faults Rev patiently endures. In fact, after I’ve reminded myself of all the ways I can be annoying … I can hardly remember any of his.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4:2–3

♥Forgive quickly.

It’s downright Biblical!

If you are angry, do not let it become sin. Get over your anger before the day is finished. Ephesians 4:26

And I love this quote…

“I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.” ~ Gary Chapman

♥ Send a surprise “thank you” text just because.

I thank the Lord for you.
You make my heart happy.
I can’t wait until you get home.
Thanks for all the things you do for our family.
Thanks for marrying me. Thanks for wanting me to marry you.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for all the ways you make my life easier.

♥ End the day with an “I love you because…” proclamation.

Keep a mental or written list of the little things you love about your spouse and tell them.

Things like:

I love you because you’re fun.
I love you because of the ways you take care of us.
I love you because of all the ways you encourage me.
I love you because you make me laugh.
I love you because you’re you!

Do everything in love. 1 Corinthian 16:14

♥ Praise them to your family and friends … so they can hear you.

Make it a rule to never complain about your spouse to anyone! And you don’t have to be sappy or make obnoxious – just be thankful!

So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Ways to Say “Thank You” in Your Spouse’s Love Language and Bless Your Marriage

♥ For the spouse whose love language is acts of service…

Make his favorite dinner and leave a thank you note on his plate that says “thank you for all you do!”
Give you a certificate that says … Thank you for all you do – this is for 24 hours of complete relaxation while the kids and I take care of everything!
Just do little things that show you’re thankful!

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 3:3

♥ For the spouse whose love language is quality time…

Schedule a sitter for the afternoon and ask your spouse to choose the destination.
Put the kids to bed early and eat a quiet romantic dinner – just the two of you.
Declare one night a month, “I’m thankful for you, night!” And declare it technology free!

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Romans 12:10

♥ For the spouse whose love language is gifts…

This one is easy! You can give a little gift anytime just make sure you add a thank you note!

“The heart of the giver makes the gift dear and precious.” ~ Martin Luther

♥ For the spouse whose love language is physical touch…

Grab a hand, sneak a quick kiss, give a back rub or foot massage and say, “I am soooo thankful for you!”

And finally, a huge way to say “thank you” in any love language…

♥ Flirt – but only with your spouse!

Recently, I’ve seen several articles about all the reasons why flirting is bad and I wonder why the assumption is that all flirting is done outside of marriage.

Any time I’m asked for my best marriage advice, NEVER STOP FLIRTING always comes right after GIVE GOD FIRST PLACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE!

I define flirting as the playfulness you did when you wanted to communicate how much you found the other person attractive.

The dictionary defines flirting as – playfully behaving as though attracted to or trying to attract someone.

Most articles add that it is a sign of sexual availability … so, flirting in your marriage is a wonderful way to say, “I’m sexually available and I’m only sexually available to you!” And I believe that says, “Thank you for being the only one with whom I want to be intimate. Thank you for being mine!”

I’m a firm believer that if I think something positive, I should say it! And saying “thank you” is the perfect way to keep thinking positive things about my marriage.

Yep, being grateful is an easy way to bless your marriage.

And after 46 years of marriage, we definitely have a lot of reasons to be grateful!

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How to Have an Awesome Marriage When Life Is Crazy

9 / 17 / 1810 / 22 / 20

Every couple walks down the aisle believing they will have an awesome marriage. They’re madly in love, the other person “completes” them, and just know everything is going to be perfect.

And then life happens…

I watch so many of the families in our neighborhood where both mom and dad are working full-time jobs. They’re raising kiddos who are busy with extracurricular activities in addition to going to school and doing their homework.

Evenings are spent with one parent running a child to soccer practice while the other runs one to gymnastics. Meals are eaten on the fly as they try to stay on top of housework, laundry, and errands.

All of this while everyone in the family tries to keep up in touch with friends and family via phone calls, texts, and social media.

I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted just typing all of that…

The thing is, it’s really not that different from our experience several decades ago. Every couple must figure out how to have an awesome marriage and love their family well when life is pulling them in different directions.

So, when my dear friend, Melanie Redd, asked me to write a post about the challenges of trying to keep relationships strong when time together is limited … I jumped on it!

Here’s our story…

How to Have an Awesome Marriage When Life Is Crazy

I vowed at a very early age that I would NEVER marry a minister. I’m not sure why – maybe it had something to do with the idea of living in a fishbowl. Anyway, you’ve gotta love God’s sense of humor because when I met this really cute pre-ministerial student my first year of college … I threw my vow out the window and there was no looking back.

I remember during our early years together having long deep conversations where we worked to solve many of our personal problems and most of the world’s problems. We just loved being together. I know, young love … right?!

But after we were married, one of our greatest challenges became trying to stay closely connected when we could no longer find time for those long conversations we loved so much.

At first, I was teaching full-time and he was going to school. Fast forward a few years and besides raising little ones … we were serving in ministry together. Rev was working a 40+ hour week for one ministry while serving at our church part-time and traveling two or three weekends a months. I was teaching part-time, and trying to keep things running smoothly at home.

We were like a couple of planes doing fly-bys.

Not only did we lack time to talk things through … I wasn’t very good returning the leadership role to Rev when he was at home.

Bottom line … good communication is hard when there’s no time to communicate!

If you’re nodding your head in agreement, thinking – that is soooo where we are right now, I’d like to share a few things we tried that helped us. (Yeah, I’m going to spare you all the things that didn’t help. You’re most likely figuring those out on your own!)

So, if you’d like to know my list of 3 things to do, 3 things to remember, and 3 things to refuse to do—head over to my friend, Melanie Redd’s to read …

How to Make Your Marriage Thrive When You Don’t Have Time

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How to Bless Your Relationships from A to Z

4 / 24 / 174 / 16 / 17

We live together, work together, study together, play together, and worship together.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone was easy?

If people were always pleasant, helpful, and encouraging, appreciative, forgiving and fun.

But relationships are complicated and even those we love the most drive us crazy at times.

And although you can’t change the people around you, you can bless and improve your intimacy with family and friends.

Start by looking at everyone as someone God is interested in, someone He cares for, someone He loves.

Would it change the way you think? What you say and what you do?

Truth about God and Your Relationships

God knows all the ways that person frustrates you and the ways you frustrate them.
He knows their flaws and He knows your flaws.
He knows the number of hairs on their head and He knows yours too.
He knows how He gifted them and He knows how He gifted you.

God knows and loves them perfectly, faithfully, and fully. He knows loves you perfectly, faithfully, and fully too. Not because of who you are, but because of who He is.

He is love and He wants you and me to be expressions of His love.

So, I’ve made an A to Z list of ways I can do a better job of expressing God’s love and bless my relationships.

How to Bless Your Relationships from A to Z

Appreciate

Let your loves know they are important to you and that you’re thankful for them through what you say and how you say it. Say “please and thank you” often and enthusiastically.

“There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.” ~Author Unknown

Believe

Believe in those close to you and let them know. Yes, they are imperfect. Everyone is.Trust God’s power to change them and you.

“Never give up your wife, husband, children and families. Believe that people can change. Give others opportunity to change.” ~Lailah Gifty Akita

Celebrate

There is always something to celebrate. AND life is more fun and relationships are stronger when you celebrate.

“Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!” ~Amanda Bradley

Do

Do small humble acts of service to show your love.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. Ecclesiastes 4:9

Encourage

Be positive, compliment, and inspire those you love. Bless them in ways that will give them courage and confidence

So encourage each other and give each other strength, just as you are doing now. Hebrews 3:13

Forgive

Forgive fast! Choose to believe the best and forgive with a heart that believes in and hopes for a better future.

Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

Give

Pour yourself into others freely, willingly, and quickly just because you can.

“Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same—with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand instead.” ~Mother Teresa

Hope

Believe that with God’s help, tomorrow will be a better day, and bless others with your hope-filled attitude.

“Let your hopes, not your hurts, define your future.” ~Robert Schuller

Intentional Interaction –

Invest yourself in people. Spend time together . . . talking, doing, or just being.

“A beautiful thing happens when we start paying attention to each other. It is by participating more in your relationship that you breathe life into it.” ~Steve Maraboli

Joy-filled

Ask God to help you find joy in your relationships and look for the good in people.

“Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.” ~Karl Barth

be Kind

Something that’s easy to say and harder to do especially when you’re tired and spent. Do it anyway.

Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

Laugh

Be willing to laugh at yourself and your circumstances. Choose to find the humor in life . . . it’s just another way to look at things.

“Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever granted humanity.” ~ Chuck Swindoll

be Mindful

It takes extra time to really know the stories and feelings of the people in your life but it’s so worth it.

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them.” ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Notice Good

Look for reasons to compliment, thank, and build each other up. It will bless you.

“When we take time to notice the things that go right – it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day.” ~Martin Seligman

Own It

Don’t blame – be willing to own your part in problems and disagreements and do what you can to make things better.

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.” ~Jim Rohn

be Patient

Stop, breathe, and count to ten, twenty, or a hundred.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Ephesians 4:2

Quit

Stop complaining, nagging, criticizing, or anything that is discouraging or heart-hurting.

“Complaining not only ruins everybody else’s day, it ruins the complainer’s day, too. The more we complain, the more unhappy we get.” ~Dennis Prager

Respect

Treat everyone with respect . . . always and without exception. Even when they don’t believe deserve it. It says more about you than it says about them.

“There is no respect for others without humility in one’s self.” ~Henri Frederic Amiel

Say “I’m Sorry”

Just like forgiving quickly, don’t hesitate to ask for forgiveness. Always be in a hurry to repair a relationship that is hurting.

“Never forget the nine most important words of any family…
I love you.
You are beautiful.
Please forgive me.” ~H. Jackson Brown

speak Truth

Be honest. Tell the truth gently and respectfully. Be trustworthy. AND don’t ever give anyone a reason to question your integrity.

“Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.” ~Warren W. Wiersbe

Understand

Listen with your head and with your heart.

“When you really listen to another person from their point of view and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.” ~Stephen Covey

Value

Every relationship is a precious gift. Let them know!

“You must know that you are worth much to me whether you accomplish anything or not. Even if you are rejected in the world’s eyes, you are valuable to me.” ~Stormie Omartian

Wisdom

True wisdom is God-given and grows as you get to know God’s character and His will. It will always help you know what to do and say, and when to do it and say it.

“Not until we have become humble and teachable, standing in awe of God’s holiness and sovereignty. acknowledging our own littleness, distrusting our own thoughts, and willing to have our minds turned upside down, can divine wisdom become ours.” ~J.I.Packer

X – Extend Extra Grace –

Always offer grace . . . I promise there will times when you’ll need it in return.

“Grace is love that cares and stoops and rescues.” -John R. W. Stott

be Yourself –

God created you for your relationships . . . with Him and with others. No one else can touch a life exactly the way you can.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10

Zesty – Keep it Spicy

Play, have fun and live with enthusiasm.

“The zest for life, which is the source of all passion and all insight, even divine, does not come to us from ourselves…. It is God who has to give us the impulse of wanting Him.” ~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

So, that’s my A to Z of ways to bless your relationships.

I believe they work whether you’re just getting to know someone or even if you’ve known them forever.

Tell me…

Which of the items on the list do you believe are the most important?

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