Things to Avoid When You Want a Strong Marriage

We get asked often to share our best marriage advice ... so, here are 2 things to do and 10 things to avoid if you really want a build a strong marriage. #StrongMarriage #MarriageAdvice #MarriageTips #ChristianMarriage #WWGGG #CountingMyBlessings

I believe every couple believes their wedding day is just the first day of decades of marital bliss. They’ve found their soulmate … the person who “completes” them and they just know this is the start of their happily ever after.

Then the honeymoon ends and reality hits.

Paul wrote the following about marriage…

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT)

Since “submit” is such a trigger word, I like the New Life Version best…

Be willing to help and care for each other because of Christ. By doing this, you honor Christ.

And we want to, don’t we?
We go into marriage believing we will help and care for each other.

But then life happens and building a strong marriage is harder than we thought it would be.

Rev and I will be celebrating our anniversary in a couple of days and even after all these years, he continues to be my favorite person in the whole world.

We get asked often to share our marriage advice because … well, we’ve been happily together for a long time!

So, I’ve come up with a really short list for those times when I’m sitting with a friend or acquaintance and they’re looking for one or two things we’ve done that have blessed our relationship.

2 of My Favorite Tips for a Strong Marriage

1. Never Stop Flirting

Not with other people. Never with other people! Just with each other. Remember all those playful little things you said and did while you were dating to get each other’s attention and keep things fun.

Don’t stop! Flirting says, “You’re still the one for me! I choose you!”

2. Stay Close to God as a Couple and Individually

Flirting may be my favorite advice but I believe the true secret that will help your marriage last is to SEEK God First together and individually.

We all need God’s help to remind us when we forget – how to listen, how to serve, how to work together, how to be patient and kind, how to forgive, how to keep a promise … how to love like Jesus.

Read the Bible
Pray
Count your blessings
Remember what God has done in the past
Worship
Do your best to apply God’s Word and forgive each other quickly when you fall short.

If you’d like my longer answer to the best marriage advice question, you check out some of my thoughts and I even asked some friends for their thoughts as well. Check them out here…

The Best Secrets and Advice that Will Help Your Marriage Last

12 Helpful Posts that will Make Your Marriage Stronger

10 Terrific Tips for a Lasting and Happy Marriage

How to Bless Your Marriage by Being Grateful

31+ “What If” Questions that will Bless Your Marriage

And if you’re looking for ways to pray for your marriage, you can get ideas here…

7 Verses and Prayers that will Bless Your Marriage

5 Simple Prayers that will Bless Your Marriage

As you can see, I love to write about the things I believe we can do to bless our marriages and make them better. I always prefer to approach life from the positive … from a “get to” perspective.

But a number of years ago, Rev and I also made a list of things to avoid in your relationships if you want a strong marriage that lasts. So, as promised…

Things to Avoid When You Want a Strong Marriage

1. Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking.

Sure you think you know them better than anyone but even as close as you are … you each look at life through the lens of your own personal perspective. A perspective that comes from your personality, abilities, background, and years of experience.

So … ask questions and LISTEN patiently and kindly to the answers. You might be surprised and learn something you never knew before.

2. Don’t withdraw with a passive/aggressive silent treatment.

If you need to take a break in the midst of a disagreement … say so. It’s okay to pause to pray and think but make it clear that this disagreement doesn’t define your relationship.

Shutting down gives the message that winning the argument is more important to you than nurturing and improving your closeness.

3. NEVER use the words never or always in an argument.

It’s probably not true anyway. Even if your spouse does something way more often than you’d like … making it sound like that’s all they do is distracting and defeating if you’re trying to resolve a problem.

4. Don’t hold a grudge or rehash the past.

When couples continually bring up past hurts it can seem like that’s all they remember. So, work to forgive each other quickly, let go of the hurt, and stick to the issue at hand when you don’t agree.

5. Don’t pout, whine, nag or fight with sarcasm.

Use your words! It’s almost impossible to understand each other if we don’t calmly and clearly explain where we’re coming from. Pouting, whining, and nagging are completely self-defeating. And sarcasm … well, when was the last time you wanted to do anything for someone who tried to manipulate you with snarky comments.

6. Don’t accumulate small problems and turn them into a big one.

When Rev and I were first married, I’d hold on to the little things he said that hurt my feelings … one would add to another and then another until I’d finally erupt in a meltdown of tears and accusations.

My patient husband would then say, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings. If you tell me I’ve done right away … I will do my best not to do it again. I love you.”

His reaction gave me the courage to trust him and not turn little off-handed comments into bigger problems.

7. Don’t complain about your spouse to others.

It may make you feel better for a moment or two when your friends agree with you about what a jerk your spouse has been but it will always hurt your relationship in the long run because…

You can’t control what your friends will share and how far your “story” will go.
You are damaging your spouse’s reputation and how other’s view him/her.
You are weakening the trust you ultimately want to maintain.

8. Don’t blame your partner for your “bad” day.

Life is stressful. Jobs are demanding. Children are exhausting. And that’s just normal everyday stuff.

It’s fine to vent and even complain to each other … just don’t communicate that your bad day was your spouse’s fault. Strive to work together to strengthen your family and achieve your goals.

9. Don’t try to “fix” your spouse.

I learned a very long time ago that you can’t change someone else; you can only change yourself.

So, I try to ask myself if I might be the one who needs “fixing”!

Then I pray, and I turn to God’s Word, and I ask Him to give me wisdom … so I can choose to focus on the things that are true, honorable, and lovely while I leave the rest to God.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Philippians 4:6–8

10. Don’t expect perfection.

Your spouse is not going to be perfect this side of heaven and you’re not going to be either. Don’t expect it! Give the grace you want to receive.

You’re a team … not a perfect team but a team who’s goal is to grow in love, faith, grace, and wisdom.

Finally, after all those don’ts I have one last do…

Love one another.

Show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

And the kind of love God wants for us looks like this…

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4–7

I’ve read recently that before you marry someone you should replace the word “love” with the person’s name. And it’s a good guideline.

But once we are married, I believe the best thing we can do is replace the word “love” with our own name. Because if we wait to give “1 Corinthians 13” love until our husband or wife gives it first … we will never have it.

So remember, don’t expect perfection … give the kind of grace you want to receive. Stay close to God as a couple and individually. AND do your best to add a little laughter and fun to every day.

I’m asking God to bless you and give you a strong marriage today and for years to come!

Thank you so much for joining me today.
And a thank you to BibleGateway.com for sources.

It would bless me so much if you’d take a moment to subscribe to Counting My Blessings so you never miss an update!

Subscribe to Blog via Email

You can also…

Leave your prayer requests…

and stop to pray one or two of the requests listed.

Check out our new Facebook Page/Group – #WWGGG – What Would Give God Glory. We’d love for you to join the movement!

And always remember – I LOVE hearing from you! So, please take a minute to say ‘hi’ by leaving a comment.

If this article blessed or helped you today — would you share it with someone? Send it to a friend, family member, coworker, or share it through the links below…

I’m asking God to bless you today!

12 Helpful Posts that will Make Your Marriage Stronger

3 / 11 / 19

The average temperature at that time of the year was 36°F. But on this day, March 11, in 1972, the sun was shining and the winds calm. It was a balmy and beautiful 49°F in Birmingham, Michigan.

Why do I remember the weather on this day 47 years ago?

Well, you may have guessed … it was our wedding day!

Marriage is an adventure, isn’t it?

One of my favorite sayings about marriage is…

“Marriage is not a big deal, it’s a bunch of little deals!”

Here are 10 “little” things Rev and I believe are important for a happy and strong marriage…

Make the Lord the center of your lives … talk about your faith and the ways the Lord is working in your lives.
Keep your promises … be reliable, it speaks to your character.
Use your words … disagree without being disagreeable.
Forgive quickly … don’t let anger control you.
Express gratitude … speak affirmation and appreciation often and complain rarely.
Be honest … say what you mean and mean what you say.
Protect your marriage … set boundaries with others out of respect for your relationship.
Celebrate the little things … events, milestones, and anniversaries.
Have fun … never stop laughing, playing, and flirting with each other.
Believe in each other … be your spouses biggest cheerleader.

Just for fun, I invited some of my friends to share their most popular marriage posts.

Just click on the graphics to check out their tips to make your marriage stronger.

12 Helpful Posts that will Make Your Marriage Stronger

10 Tips for Wives on How to Have a Successful Marriage by Marva Smith at SunSparkleShine

I love this post from my friend, Marva Smith, at SunSparkleShine.

Her tips are practical and important.

One of my favorites is … Feed the Right Wolf.

You’ll have to head over to find out what it means.

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Fighting for "Happily Ever After" in Your Marriage by Tiffiney Holmes at Welcome Home Ministry

Everyone goes into marriage looking for their “happily ever after.”

But that doesn’t happen by accident.

Tiffiney Holmes at Welcome Home Ministry has 5 action steps that will help you achieve the “happily ever after” you want for your marriage.

Have you heard the expression, “Don’t Front?” I had not … but I like it!

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67 Things to Say to Your Husband to Build Your Marriage by Carment Brown at Married by His Grace

My friend, Carmen Brown, at Married by His Grace is wise beyond her years, especially when it comes to giving marriage advice.

Do you speak life into your marriage? You know … those words of encouragement that creatively tell your spouse just how much you love them.

If you’re running short on creativity … you’ll find plenty of ideas here.

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How to Pray for Your Broken Marriage by Shannon Geurin - Fiercely His

Shannon Geurin never fails to touch me with her willingness to make herself vulnerable by honestly sharing her story … and she does it because she wants to bless and encourage you.

If your marriage feels broken and you want to pray but you don’t know where to begin … I promise you, these 5 prayers will help you turn your spinning thoughts into much needed prayers.

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The Risks and Rewards of Marriage Boudaries by Sarah Geringer - Finding Peace in God's Word

We don’t like to talk or even think about setting boundaries in our marriages but there are times when they become important.

Sarah Geringer found herself in that situation and is sharing her story. And the good news is … “the boundaries eventually produced a harvest of righteousness and peace for both of us.”

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7 Ways You Can Be a Fun Spouse by Beth Steffaniak at Messy Marriage

Beth Steffaniak at Messy Marriage – Raw, Real, Redemptive.

I love that! Beth has been counseling couples for more than 25 years and she tells it like it is when it comes to marriage. If you’re looking for a consistent dose of marriage advice you need to visit Beth often.

This post is one of my favorites. Rev and I believe that laughter and fun are important ingredients for a strong marriage. So, if you need some ideas … check this out.

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Key Ingredients to a Lasting Marriage by Lori Schumaker

This post from my friend, Lori Schumaker, is the final post in her series … Building a Lasting Love Story and it’s awesome!

For this post, Lori asked her parents to share what they thought it takes to build a lasting love story. And they had lots to say and Lori made a list.

One of my favorites … “If you loved each other once, you can always love each other again.”

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Lord, Restore My Marriage by Valerie Murray at Cord of 6

Have you ever felt like your marriage is dry, desolate, and hopeless? Maybe you’re there now.

Valerie Murray and Cord of 6 wants to point you to hope through the One who is able to restore and rebuild even the most hopeless situations. And if your marriage needs an extra measure of prayer, she’s written 31 Days of Marriage Mending Prayers.

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25 Powerful Ways a Wife Can Say, "I Love You" by Dawn Klinge at Above the Waves

I love this post from Dawn Klinge at Above the Waves.

She says, “Some ideas for love in action that speak loud and clear. Some of the most powerful ways to say, I love you, don’t even use words….”

And she’s right! Check it out. I’m curious to know if she listed your favorite or if you have an “I love you” to add.

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Love Your Valentine All Year Long by Nicki Schroeder at Showered in Grace

When life gets crazy and you and I get overwhelmed it can be hard to keep all the warm fuzzies alive in our marriages. Seriously, sometimes it feels like we’re just managing “fly by’s.”

That’s what I love about this quick read from Nicki Schroeder at Showered in Grace. She’s making it her mission to do the tough work and love well … even in the middle of the mess.

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The Best Secrets & Tips that will Help Your Marriage Last by Deb Wolf at Counting My Blessings

And I just had to share a couple of my posts, too.

This one is a favorite. I went to my friends and asked them…

WHAT IS THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GIVEN OR RECEIVED?

And wow, did they deliver! You’re going to love it! I would really love to know how you would answer that question.

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31+ "What if" Questions that will Bless Your Marriage by Deb Wolf at Counting My Blessings

Do you ever find yourself mentally grumbling about your spouse’s shortcomings? Things they neglect or ignore? Jobs you end up doing yourself because you’re tired of asking? Little annoyances that get on your nerves?

Don’t we all?

Years ago, God asked me a “what if” question during one of my moments of grumbling … and I’ve been asking “what if” questions ever since.

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Make sure you bookmark or Pin this page so you can read all these great posts and refer back to them often.

Don’t forget to click on the graphic to head over to the post.

One more thing.

Here are a few of my favorite marriage quotes to inspire you…

Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.
Dave Willis

God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix him’ wife, God wants me to be a ‘love him’ wife.
Lysa TerKeurst

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9,12b

Thank you so much for joining me today.
And a thank you to BibleGateway.com for sources.

It would bless me so much if you’d take a moment to subscribe to Counting My Blessings so you never miss an update!

Subscribe to Blog via Email

You can also…

Leave your prayer requests…

and stop to pray one or two of the requests listed.

Check out our new Facebook Page/Group – #WWGGG – What Would Give God Glory. We’d love for you to join the movement!

And always remember – I LOVE hearing from you! So, please take a minute to say ‘hi’ by leaving a comment.

If this article blessed or helped you today — would you share it with someone? Send it to a friend, family member, coworker, or share it through the links below…

I’m asking God to bless you today!

How to Have an Awesome Marriage When Life Is Crazy

9 / 17 / 18

Every couple walks down the aisle believing they will have an awesome marriage. They’re madly in love, the other person “completes” them, and just know everything is going to be perfect.

And then life happens…

I watch so many of the families in our neighborhood where both mom and dad are working full-time jobs. They’re raising kiddos who are busy with extracurricular activities in addition to going to school and doing their homework.

Evenings are spent with one parent running a child to soccer practice while the other runs one to gymnastics. Meals are eaten on the fly as they try to stay on top of housework, laundry, and errands.

All of this while everyone in the family tries to keep up in touch with friends and family via phone calls, texts, and social media.

I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted just typing all of that…

The thing is, it’s really not that different from our experience several decades ago. Every couple must figure out how to have an awesome marriage and love their family well when life is pulling them in different directions.

So, when my dear friend, Melanie Redd, asked me to write a post about the challenges of trying to keep relationships strong when time together is limited … I jumped on it!

Here’s our story…

How to Have an Awesome Marriage When Life Is Crazy

I vowed at a very early age that I would NEVER marry a minister. I’m not sure why – maybe it had something to do with the idea of living in a fishbowl. Anyway, you’ve gotta love God’s sense of humor because when I met this really cute pre-ministerial student my first year of college … I threw my vow out the window and there was no looking back.

I remember during our early years together having long deep conversations where we worked to solve many of our personal problems and most of the world’s problems. We just loved being together. I know, young love … right?!

But after we were married, one of our greatest challenges became trying to stay closely connected when we could no longer find time for those long conversations we loved so much.

At first, I was teaching full-time and he was going to school. Fast forward a few years and besides raising little ones … we were serving in ministry together. Rev was working a 40+ hour week for one ministry while serving at our church part-time and traveling two or three weekends a months. I was teaching part-time, and trying to keep things running smoothly at home.

We were like a couple of planes doing fly-bys.

Not only did we lack time to talk things through … I wasn’t very good returning the leadership role to Rev when he was at home.

Bottom line … good communication is hard when there’s no time to communicate!

If you’re nodding your head in agreement, thinking – that is soooo where we are right now, I’d like to share a few things we tried that helped us. (Yeah, I’m going to spare you all the things that didn’t help. You’re most likely figuring those out on your own!)

So, if you’d like to know my list of 3 things to do, 3 things to remember, and 3 things to refuse to do—head over to my friend, Melanie Redd’s to read …

How to Make Your Marriage Thrive When You Don’t Have Time

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and stop to pray one or two of the requests listed.

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The Best Secrets and Advice that Will Help Your Marriage Last

3 / 12 / 183 / 12 / 18

And they lived happily ever after.

You read the stories as a little girl. The ones that ended with the beautiful wedding and those six words that stuck in our hearts and filled our dreams.

Walk down the aisle and your good to go.

Right?!

Maybe. Maybe not. Marriage is full of blessings but it also takes lots of work and wisdom.

I’m thankful for the wisdom we received from friends with more experience who mentored our marriage and ministry.

And guess what?

Rev and I celebrated our 46th Anniversary yesterday!

Seriously?! How did that happen?

How did 46 years go by so fast?!

Just for fun, I thought I’d share some of my favorite tips from friends and a few quotes I found out there to help encourage you whether you’ve been married for 5 minutes or 50+ years.

So, I started with the question…

What is the best marriage advice you’ve ever given or received?

And here are their answers.

The Best Secrets and Advice that Will Help Your Marriage Last

I received a wise word on my wedding day from my best friend’s mom. She told me, “Always remember that love is a choice.” Feelings come and go but when I make the choice to love in word or deed (regardless of how I feel), God has always honored it. We reap what we sow, so sow love. – Arabah Joy

“Real love isn’t just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice—a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.” ~ Seth Adam Smith

My favorite marriage advice that I ever received was to speak highly of my husband in front of others. We’re a team and I think this is a great way to show that we’re united. Plus, I know it feels good when he speaks highly of me in front of others, so I try to do the same for him. – Dawn Klinge @ Above the Waves

“Let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” ~ Martin Luther

When I am feeling frustrated or upset with my husband my best practice is to go to prayer and ask God what’s going on inside of ME! The majority of the time it isn’t really about him at all. – Patti Krank @ Old Things New

“God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix him’ wife, God wants me to be a ‘love him’ wife.”– Lysa TerKeurst

Don’t be lazy in your relationship. Remember all those things you used to do when you first met him? Keep doing them! (Proverbs 20:4)

Do go on dates with him – Dates don’t have to cost anything! A walk and a picnic is a perfect time to reconnect. Or, serving dinner in front of the fireplace or adding a few candles turns boring into romantic. (Song of Songs 1:2) – Joan Davis @ The Beauty in His Grip

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

1- Talk to each other about your problems instead of everyone else. (My mom turned me away as a young newlywed who wanted to complain about my husband. As a mom now I can imagine how difficult that was.) 2-Never stop laughing with each other. In fact, I tell my girls to keep an eye out for the one who makes them laugh (among other things, of course.) – Christi Gee at The Cheerio Trail

“Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.” ~ Dave Willis

Vulnerability invites vulnerability. Be humble, forgive freely, serve deeply, and laugh together often. – Jennifer Schackelford at Chaos 2 Peace

“A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make and you have to keep on making it.” ~ Gary Thomas

One of the best things we can do for our marriages is to let go of the small stuff: all those little quirks and things about our husbands that drive us crazy. When we focus instead on our husbands’ positive qualities and express appreciation, it creates a more positive atmosphere for our marriages. – Betsy DeCruz at Faith Spilling Over

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Ephesians 4:2

Give loads and loads of grace. And, when you think you have given enough, give more! (Brush things off. Don’t take offense. Don’t be so sensitive. Assume the best with your spouse – always.) – Melanie Redd

“A Christian marriage is [not] one with no problems or even a marriage with fewer problems. (It may well mean more problems.) But it does mean a life in which two people are able to accept each other and love each other in the midst of problems and fears. It means a marriage in which selfish people can accept selfish people without constantly trying to change them—and even accept themselves, because they realize personally that they have been accepted by Christ.” ~ Keith Miller, Taste of New Wine

Put God first in your marriage, always. Seek wisdom and counsel from the Bible first, older, wiser couples (or a Pastor) second. When you feel like casting blame, ask the Lord to show you how your own sin is contributing to the situation and focus on that. Let the Lord work on the other party involved, just keep praying. God is so good to us when we come to Him and ask Him to be part of our marriage. – Nicki Schroeder @ Showered in Grace

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4–7

My best advice is simple “never let go.” – Shannon Geurin at Fiercely His

“It’s not the love that sustains the promise, it’s the promise that sustains the love.” – Jefferson Bethke

The best marriage advice we received was the reminder that as husband and wife we are on the same team. That stayed with me so much that now we pass on that advice to our children. Because at the end of the day, as family our team’s goal is to know God and make Him known to others. I’m just happy I get to partner with my husband and children in doing so. I shared 5 tips on making my husband feel significant here: – Marva Smith at Sun Sparkle Shine

You may be wondering about my favorite “help your marriage last” advice…

It’s simple – never stop flirting! No, not with other people. Only with each other. Remember all those playful little things you said and did while you were dating to get each other’s attention and keep things fun. Don’t stop! Flirting says, “You’re still the one for me!”

But the very best advice that will help your marriage last…

Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths smooth. Proverbs 3:5–6

There are countless examples that the 15 to 50-foot walk down the aisle and promised “I dos” are not guarantees of the happily or the ever after. Our marriages need God’s help and direction!

Flirting may be my favorite advice but I believe the true secret that will help your marriage last is . . . stay close to God. We need God’s help to remind us when we forget – how to listen, how to serve, how to work together, how to be patient and kind, how to forgive, how to keep a promise . . . how to love.

A huge thank you to my friends for sharing their best advice.

Now it’s your turn. What’s your favorite “help your marriage last” advice?

Leave your prayer requests…

and pray for others who have left requests.

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I always enjoy hearing from you! Please take a minute to say ‘hi’ and share your thoughts in the comments below.

And if this article blessed or helped you today — would you share it with someone? Maybe a friend, family member, coworker, or through the links below…

The Truth is… My Husband and I are not BFF’s

10 / 25 / 1710 / 22 / 17

What a blessing it is to introduce to my new friend, Jillian Rogers from Plenty of Grace.

She describes herself as:

“I’m a Jesus loving wife and mama.

I wish I could tell you I’m a perfect Christian, but I’m most certainly not. Nor am I a perfect wife or mother. But I’m working on improving, and I’d love to share what I learn with you!”

That’s a lot of wisdom! It’s what we’re doing, isn’t it? Sharing Jesus and all the things we’re learning on this journey … praying that maybe we can help each other along the way.

So, sit back, relax and be blessed by Jillian’s wise marriage advice. Oh, and don’t forget to make her feel welcome in the comments and visit her at Plenty of Grace and on social media.

Many people talk about how happy their marriage is. How happy they are with their husband. That their husband is their absolute best friend. Which makes me feel like an awful wife.

If it weren’t for Jesus, I wouldn’t be married today.

That might sound a little harsh or a little cold. But it’s not meant to. Because really, the root of the problem isn’t my husband, it’s me. My stubbornness, my selfishness, my desires. And when I feel like I’ve been wronged, I don’t want to jump to forgive.

Dating was amazing, but after those wedding bells comes reality. Bills, debt. Children, extended family.

But I have long discovered that when I’m praying for my marriage, I tend to start by praying for my husband. Because, after all, he’s the one who messed up and needs Jesus, right?

“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:15 (ESV)

This verse keeps me grounded in all relationships, but especially in my marriage. You see, I married an imperfect man. He makes mistakes, infuriates me, and some days (if I’m being honest) I’d like to choke him.

Then I have to wonder. Wonder how much I frustrate God. Because I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I’m imperfect. I never get it “right” the first time.

So if I can’t forgive my husband when he messes up, how is God supposed to forgive me when I mess up?

I have to forgive and to keep in mind I’m not perfect, either. And while I truly love Jesus, I still don’t get it right 100% of the time. So on those days I feel like my husband hurt me and forgiveness isn’t my first thought, I have to remember it is because of Jesus’ love and sacrifice that I am forgiven, and I have to extend that forgiveness to others.

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,” Titus 2:4 (KJV)

This is obviously a snippet of the chapter but highlights the fact that women are to love their husbands. Love and respect them. And when we put our focus in the right place (on Jesus) everything else seems to be a little easier.

My Mom was always very open and honest with us. She wanted us to know, from an early age, that there’s more to marriage than feeling “in love”. That you love your spouse, but you don’t always feel in love with them. Each and every day you make the choice to love your husband and to stick to those vows regardless of how you feel.

This verse points to loving our husbands. Note what it doesn’t say: “to love their husbands when they’re getting it right” or “to love their husbands when they’re lovable and amazing” or “to love their husbands when they wash the dishes”.

It’s not a conditional statement. There’s no “if” your husband does this, “then” you do this. Nope. Plain and simple, it says “to love their husbands”.

We have to know Jesus, and understand His love for us to truly love others. Because of God’s love for me, I know what unconditional love truly is. To love past the flaws and mistakes, to love past the hurt, to simply love. Just because.

My husband and I are not BFFs.

I know people say this a lot, especially wives. And I understand the point behind it: your husband is the person closest to you. The one person you tell everything to, the one person you rely on more than anyone else.

Listening to Dr. Randy Carlson on the radio once, I heard him mention wives needing friends other than their husbands to help fulfill emotional needs. He was, of course, talking about another female, Christian woman. His reasoning was that some women (AHEM, ME!) have more emotional needs than their husband knows what to do with.

My husband, quite frankly, is the most logical, least emotional person I know.

So, I have to rely on other women to help me with those emotions I deal with. Being a deeply scarred person, I have times when I just need an outlet. Or even just to ask, “I feel this way, is this normal?” To my husband, most feelings aren’t normal. But to another woman, she can see the reasoning behind it and offer counsel and/or prayer.

So I am thankful that God placed women in my life to help me on those days when my husband just doesn’t get it. Because, ladies, we need friends.

When I depend on my husband to meet all my needs, I end up feeling empty and lacking.

God did not give us our spouses so they could fulfill our every need. It was not His design that our husband be our sole source of happiness, provision, and love. He intentionally left us wanting more than our spouse can give, and there’s a reason for that: He wants us to fill that void with Him.

The closer we get to God, the further away we leave our own emotions and selfish desires. We do more what God wants, and less what satisfies the flesh. And what’s so amazing about this relationship with Jesus is that the closer we are to Him, the closer we can be to others.

Following the example of Jesus means we put the needs of others ahead of our own. It means that instead of doing what pleases ourselves, or our spouses, or anyone else around us, we find out what pleases Him, then do it (Ephesians 5 is great for this).

When we get closer to God and seek His face more than anything, everything else falls into place. I cannot think of another relationship that, when you put your focus and drive into it, strengthens all other relationships. It’s simply amazing.

Saying Jesus is the reason I’m married isn’t a negative statement about my husband.

In fact, saying Jesus is the reason I’m still married is an attribute to His love, mercy, and grace.

Through Jesus, I am able to reconcile my relationships with others. Because of Jesus loving me, He forgives me. And gave me a model for love and forgiveness. I’m also able to remember that I am not perfect, and I cannot be married to a perfect person when I myself make mistakes.

One of my favorite songs says, “Jesus at the center of it all”. And that’s right where I want Jesus to be.

Jillian Rogers is a stay at home wife and mommy, with 2 sons and one on the way. Her greatest desire is to serve Jesus with all her heart, and somehow help and encourage others along the way. She’s currently blogging at plentyofgrace.com, where she shares inspiration for growing in grace, finding faith and learning love. You can also follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram.

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I’m always looking for stories that will encourage and inspire readers to live in faith, stay faithful in hope, and find joy in loving Jesus and others. If you’re interested in sharing your story here at Counting My Blessings – check out my Contributor Guidelines page.

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A Collection of the Best Marriage Advice Ever

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And they lived happily ever after.

You read the stories as a little girl. The ones that ended with the beautiful wedding and those six words that stuck in our hearts and filled our dreams.

Get down the aisle and your good to go.

Right?!

Maybe. Maybe not. Marriage is full of blessings but it also takes lots of work and wisdom.

I’m thankful for the wisdom we received from friends with more experience who mentored our marriage and ministry. So, I thought it might be fun to ask some of my favorite blogging friends for their best marriage advice.

The question…

What is the best marriage advice you’ve ever given or received?

Here are their answers.

A Collection of the Best Marriage Advice Ever

When I am feeling frustrated or upset with my husband my best practice is to go to prayer and ask God what’s going on inside of ME! The vast majority of the time it isn’t really about him at all. – Patti Krank at Old Things New

Don’t be lazy in your relationship. Remember all those things you used to do when you first met him? Keep doing them! (Proverbs 20:4)
Do go on dates with him – Dates don’t have to cost anything! A walk and a picnic is a perfect time to reconnect. Or, serving dinner in front of the fireplace or adding a few candles turns boring into romantic. (Song of Songs 1:2) – Joan Davis at The Beauty in His Grip

My favorite marriage advice that I ever received was to speak highly of my husband in front of others. We’re a team and I think this is a great way to show that we’re united. Plus, I know it feels good when he speaks highly of me in front of others, so I try to do the same for him. – Dawn Klinge at Above the Waves

I received a wise word on my wedding day from my best friend’s mom. She told me, “Always remember that love is a choice.” Feelings come and go but when I make the choice to love in word or deed (regardless of how I feel), God has always honored it. We reap what we sow, so sow love. – Arabah Joy

1- Talk to each other about your problems instead of everyone else. (My mom turned me away as a young newlywed who wanted to complain about my husband. As a mom now I can imagine how difficult that was.) 2-Never stop laughing with each other. In fact, I tell my girls to keep an eye out for the one who makes them laugh (among other things, of course.) – Christi Gee at The Cheerio Trail

Vulnerability invites vulnerability. Be humble, forgive freely, serve deeply, and laugh together often. – Jennifer Schackelford at Chaos 2 Peace

One of the best things we can do for our marriages is to let go of the small stuff: all those little quirks and things about our husbands that drive us crazy. When we focus instead on our husbands’ positive qualities and express appreciation, it creates a more positive atmosphere for our marriages. – Betsy DeCruz at Faith Spilling Over

My best marriage advice currently would be to intentionally look for progress in your marriage relationship. One of the best tactics the enemy uses against us is to make us feel like we are stuck, incapable of change. But if we look for the progress, even if we have to look back over years to see it, we quickly recognize his lie for the untruth that it is. When I see progress in my marriage, I remain encouraged and motivated to keep working at it – Jen Stults at Being Confident of This

Give loads and loads of grace. And, when you think you have given enough, give more! (Brush things off. Don’t take offense. Don’t be so sensitive. Assume the best with your spouse – always.) – Melanie Redd

Put God first in your marriage, always. Seek wisdom and counsel from the Bible first, older, wiser couples (or a Pastor) second. When you feel like casting blame, ask the Lord to show you how your own sin is contributing to the situation and focus on that. Let the Lord work on the other party involved, just keep praying. God is so good to us when we come to Him and ask Him to be part of our marriage. – Nicki Schroeder at Showered in Grace

My best advice is simple “never let go.” – Shannon Geurin at Fiercely His

The best marriage advice we received was the reminder that as husband and wife we’re on the same team. That stayed with me so much that now we pass on that advice to our children. Because at the end of the day, as family our team’s goal is to know God and make Him known to others. I’m just happy I get to partner with my husband and children in doing so. I shared 5 tips on making my husband feel significant here: – Marva Smith at Sun Sparkle Shine

Maybe you’re wondering about my favorite marriage advice…

It’s simple – never stop flirting! No not with other people. Only with each other. Remember all those playful little things you said and did while you were dating to get each other’s attentions and keep things fun. Don’t stop! Flirting says, “You’re still the one for me!”

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9–12

And that’s the best marriage advice of all!

Remember that happily ever after part at the beginning of this post?

Two are better than one . . . yet that 15 to 50 ft. walk down the aisle is no guarantee of the happy or the ever after. That’s why our marriages need “a triple-braided cord.” Flirting may be my favorite advice but my secret for a strong marriage is . . . stay close to God.

Two are better. But three is best.

You and I need God in our marriages to remind us when we forget – how to listen, how to serve, how to work together, how to be patient and kind, how to forgive, how to keep a promise . . . how to love.

A huge thank you to my friends for sharing their best advice.

Now it’s your turn. What’s your favorite marriage advice?

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How to Bless, Strengthen, and Protect Your Marriage

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It will be 45 years since Rev asked me to marry him tomorrow. 45 years!

Wow! I guess it’s true . . . time flies when you’re having fun!

Our engagement wasn’t a big flashy affair. It was late on a Thursday night. I’d gotten a ride to Fort Wayne, Indiana from River Forest, Illinois and arrived at Rev’s dorm before he got home from working at the Post Office.

We’d looked at rings earlier and I had a feeling this might be the weekend he would propose.

I was not to be disappointed.

I don’t remember any of the details except seeing him drop to one knee and hearing him say the words, “Will you share the rest of your life with me? Will you marry me?”

And I said, “YES”

He’d already won my heart long before.

In 40+ years we raised a family, served in ministry and ran a business. We’ve purchased homes, cars, and stuff to go in them. We’ve laughed and cried together. There have been easy days and hard days. It’s been an adventure and by God’s grace, I’m praying the adventure continues for a loooong time.

I think Rev would agree that we’ve learned a lot about marriage and living life together. What works and what doesn’t.

Like learning in those early months that holding in hurt feelings and dumping a whole avalanche of tears and frustration at once is not as effective as talking something through as soon as it happens. Yes, I did that.

Or learning that Rev’s love didn’t change when my weight increased by 35 pounds the summer after we were married. Nor did it change when I lost that weight over the following year.

I also learned that “I’m not very hungry tonight,” meant please don’t ever make this again.

And that was just in the first year…

So, I thought as part of this month-long look at love you might like to see our list of favorites.

45 Things We’ve Learned in
40+ Years of Marriage

Say “I love you” every day and mean it.
Don’t think your spouse can read your mind.
Don’t think you can read your spouse’s mind.
Listen carefully before you speak.
Choose to be kind especially when you don’t agree.
The tone of your voice matters.
Say “please and thank you” always.
If you like something, say so. If you don’t . . . pause if possible.
Flirt a little every day. It’s fun!
Be prepared – people and circumstances will challenge your relationship.
Set safe boundaries to protect your relationship.
Pray for each other often.
Pray with each other often.
When you can’t agree . . . give it to God and let it rest for a while.
Forgive quickly.
Apologize quickly.
Be prepared – your children will try to divide and conquer.
Always stand united in front of your children.
Learn your spouse’s love language and use it.
Don’t find fault with your spouse’s efforts to help.
Never start or end the day with complaining or nagging. Better yet, don’t complain or nag.
Be a team and want what’s best for the team. Work together.
Be patient with your spouse’s quirks and faults. You want them to be patient with yours.
Remember – neither of you is perfect.
Read 1 Corinthians 13 often and apply it.
Be intentional about spending time together.
Keep the romance alive and active. Little things go a long way.
Talk, listen and work together . . . especially on things like money, sex, extended family, etc.
Use your words – Communicate your feelings and give your spouse freedom to do the same.
Never complain about your spouse to others. NEVER!
Believe in your spouse’s ability to succeed with God’s help.
Choose your battles cautiously – ask yourself, “is this really important.”
Give each other space to pursue personal interests.
Be willing to try things that interest your spouse . . . like sports, hobbies, etc.
It’s okay to agree to disagree sometimes.
Give each other “me” time to refresh and reset.
Never stop doing the thoughtful “little things” you did before you were married.
Don’t compare your marriage to anyone else’s.
Remember the good days and let go of the bad ones.
Remember trust is easy to lose and extremely difficult to get back.
Never take your spouse for granted.
Laugh loud and often.
Be best friends.
Celebrate the little things.
Give 100% every day.

Finally, a few of our favorite quotes on marriage…

“God created marriage. No government subcommittee envisioned it. No social organization developed it. Marriage was conceived and born in the mind of God.” ~Max Lucado

“There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, that a good marriage.” ~Martin Luther

“In sharp contrast with our culture, the Bible teaches that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. That means that love is more fundamentally action than emotion.” ~Timothy Keller

Make it your goal to create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth. ~Gary Smalley

True love is friendship set on fire. ~Unknown

Did we miss anything? What’s your favorite marriage tip?