You Might Be a Church Bully If . . . Part 3 – How to Deal with a CB
You want to give them a boot in the behind, but you know that’s probably not the answer. So, how do you deal with a church bully?
8 Ways to Deal with a Church Bully:
1. Ignore Them – I know of a leader who responds to bullying comments with, “Thank you, you might be right.” That’s it. It allows the bully to feel like they’ve been heard, but doesn’t give them any power.
Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble. Proverbs 21:23
2. Listen to Them – This is best done by a leader who is not the pastor. Sometimes a bully has something bothering them other than the things they’re complaining about. They may not feel valued or appreciated, or may even have a personal problem that is upsetting them.
“The first duty of love is to listen.” ~ Paul Tillich
3. Pray for Them – This is a good whether the bully is in the church, school, workplace, or neighborhood. It’s probably not what you’ll feel like doing, but it will be good for you and for the bully.
But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! Matthew 5:44
4. Confront Them – If you are a leader at your church or if you’re able to stand up for someone who is being bullied – say something. Use the opportunity to stand for the truth and do what’s right. Just remember to stay calm and stick to the facts of that moment.
“Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” ~ Billy Graham
5. Teach Them – Encourage your pastor to preach against bullying. Rev had a time in his ministry when he said something about gossip at least twice a month. No one who attended regularly had any doubts about what the Bible said about gossip.
This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ. Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Ephesians 4:13-14
6. Be Kind to Them – This applies the first part of Matthew 5:44, “Love your enemies.” Who knows you might just turn a bully into a friend; and if not, at least you won’t feel guilty about losing your temper.
A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. 2 Timothy 2:23-24
7. Show Them – A wise counselor once told me, “Treat them the way you want them to treat you.” Model the best way to work as a team, to seek God’s will over your own, to pray and encourage. Speak well of someone who is the victim of gossip. Stand up for someone you see being bullied. Study the Bible together, get together in small groups, and pray for each other. In other words – follow the Golden Rule.
“The time you spend alone with God will transform your character and increase your devotion. Then your integrity and godly behavior in an unbelieving world will make others long to know the Lord.” Charles Stanley
8. Forgive Them – Everyone says something they shouldn’t. We’ve all used words to manipulate others and win. And we want forgiveness. Jesus said we should forgive others the way we want them to forgive us. It’s not easy to forgive bullies, but that’s exactly what we’ve been told to do. We don’t have to let bullies succeed, but we do have to forgive them . . . 70 x 7 if necessary. (Matt. 18:22)
“(on forgiveness) Didn’t he [the guard at Ravensbrook Concentration Camp] and I stand together before an all seeing God convicted of the same murder? For I had murdered him with my heart and my tongue.” ~ Corrie ten Boom
We’ll never eliminate bullying. As frustrating as it may be we simply have no control over other people, but we do have the ability to choose our responses. So, let’s make a zero-tolerance commitment to end bullying in our churches. Let’s make church a safe place . . . a hospital for sinners where God’s grace, mercy and love reign.
Let’s Talk: How common do you think bullying is in the church? What experiences have you had in dealing with a church bully?
The toughest issue for me is when church discipline is required. Most churches have none and some are too harsh. We have to pray for our pastors and elders to use biblical discipline and for patience when they don’t.
You’re right Mel, many of these approaches need to be handled by church leadership. That’s why prayer and forgiveness are on almost every relationship advice list. That’s something everyone can do and is always a great place to start.