If you’d known me growing up you would have seen a girl who could comfortably play the piano and organ in front of large groups of people, who could stand in front of groups and give presentations with little to no fear, and who thrived on memorizing lines and performing in plays and musicals.
If you’d only looked at those moments you would have described me as fearless.
If you sat down and talked with me, you would have met someone who specialized in fear and insecurity.
I did great in front of a crowd but face to face I was timid and shy. I believed people would like what I did, but didn’t believe they would like me.
Although I tried to fake my fear and insecurity around my children if you asked them . . . I’m not sure I succeeded.
When my friend, Shannon Geurin, asked me to write a guest post about being a fierce woman of God I was at a loss for words. (I know, that NEVER happens.)
I asked Rev, and he listed off a few events where God gave me strength but as I sat down to write about them . . . I just couldn’t do it. I’m not strong. I’m a mess. I’m broken.
And I need God’s fierce love…
You Need God’s Fierce Love When You’re Broken
I thought I could write about this. No problem.
Then I sat and stared at my keyboard. I’d write a few sentences and then hit delete. Try a few more. Nope. And this went on for hours.
I finally realized the problem…
I am not fierce.
Oh sure, I’ve had my moments of fierceness. I’ll fight like anything for my husband, kiddos, or grandkids. But I don’t want to talk about those moments because well, I don’t really like to talk about myself unless I’m being self-effacing.
It’s easy for me to talk about my problem with procrastination or how much I hate to clean. And don’t ask me to do anything outside, I mean really . . . hasn’t anyone ever told you there are bugs and dirt out there?
I can talk about growing up with chronic fear or living with anxiety. I can even tell you what it’s like to live with secondary infertility, be rejected by your child, or lose your best friend.
You see, I’m a mess.
I know what it’s like to lie curled up on my bed sobbing until it feels like every drop of moisture has been cried out. What it’s like to feel broken beyond repair.
No, I’m not fierce.
I know someone who is.
God has always been fierce. My Father has always fought for me.
Much of my life I foolishly thought I had to do it right. Deep down I believed God’s unconditional love was just a little bit conditional. So, I did everything within my ability to be a “good girl.”
It took an oversized painful brokenness for me to really receive God’s unconditional perfect fierce love.
I hated the process, but it’s what God used to show me His power and ability to makeover my broken life. I went from fear to faith, from anxiety to anticipation, from broken to blessed.
Do you know what it’s like to be a broken mess? Wanting to be fierce and fearless but knowing deep down your biggest fight is with fear itself? If so, go with me to Shannon Geurin’s to learn more about how God’s fierce love was the answer to my brokenness.
I’m so blessed to be guest posting at Shannon’s. She is a dear friend who is Fiercely His. I know you will love her just as much as I do.
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