Advice – Because You Need to Know When to Confront

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How do you know when to confront someone who hurt you?

You can’t believe…

• she said that.
• they hurt your child.
• she betrayed you.
• he was so cruel.
• they lied about you.
• she told your secret.
• he __________.

You’re upset. And yes, you’re angry too.

So, now what?

Should you confront them or not?

Jesus said…

“If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again.”

Matthew 18:15 (NCV)

Then, He added a very specific of things to do if the person doesn’t listen.

The Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write…

Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Colossians 3:12–13

So, how do you decide when to confront someone who has “sinned against you?”

Because I’ve been asked more times than I can count … I thought you might like to see my preferred response.

Advice – Because You Need to Know When to Confront

There are three important questions to ask as you try to decide whether or not you should confront the person who caused your pain. 

Questions to Ask as You Consider When to Confront…

1. What do I hope the outcome will be? 

Think it through…

What will you say? How will you say it? Think about the words you’ll use and even the tone of your voice.

2. How likely is that to be the outcome?

Sure you hope it will go as you’ve imagined, but based on the person’s past reactions and how well you know them, are you likely to get your desired outcome?

Be honest with yourself. Think through several possible scenarios.

Then…

3. If you’re not likely to get the desired reaction, ask yourself … will it still be worth it?

If it won’t change anything.
If it hurts your relationship.
If it hurts your child’s friendships.
If they complain about you to others.
If ____________?

Are you willing to handle the potential fallout of the confrontation?

If you decide you’d rather not confront this person here are some other things you can do.

Alternate Options to Confrontations

1. Pray 

Pray to forgive.
Pray for peace.
Pray to let it go.
Pray for the situation to change.
Pray for the person to change.
Pray about ways you might be contributing to the situation.

2. Rethink your approach. 

Maybe it doesn’t need to be a confrontation. You could make it a caring conversation. Be willing to listen. Perhaps they are going through a difficult emotional time. It’s possible they need someone to listen with kindness and compassion.

Solomon wrote…

Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.

Proverbs 29:11

Let’s pray about when to confront…

A Prayer – When Someone Sins Against You

Father God, we need Your help. Confrontation over differing ideas and offending words has become entertainment through social media. It often seems like we’re encouraged to take a loud self-righteous stand with friends and even strangers with whom we disagree.

And if someone sins against us through words or actions, the enemy encourages us to get revenge in similar ways. The world gives us clicks and attention when we share our offenses online.

But is that what You want for us? Do You want every offense to be confronted? What is best for us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?

Your Word tells us that You want us to love one another and when we fail, You encourage us to be compassionate and forgiving in ways that demonstrate Your love. If we must confront … You instruct us to do all we can to resolve the issue privately.

Wow, Lord, we fall short of getting along the way You want us to. Please forgive us. Please forgive me. Help us remember that everyone with whom we interact is someone who is dearly loved and precious to You. Help us model 1 Corinthians 13 … loving as You command.

Please help us KNOW, TRUST, and follow Jesus, who looked at hearts and faithfully testified Your TRUTH. (John 18:37) Please give me patience and wisdom. Help me forgive as You have forgiven me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

One Additional Thing – That’s IMPORTANT!

Don’t complain about the individual to anyone else!

Nothing tempts us to talk about others faster than hurt feelings. Resist the temptation. Once you’ve included other people it becomes harder to work things out. No matter what you call it, you aren’t loving someone well when you talk negatively about them to others.

And once you’ve shared it … you have no idea what the person you’ve told will do with the information or where they will share it. Remember the game “Telephone”?

If you need to get advice from someone (not just an opportunity to complain) talk with a Christian friend or mentor who has experience and that you know will keep your situation to themselves.

Remember…

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:9

What do you think? How do you decide when to confront or forgive and move on?

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